WHY YOU CAN'T BELIEVE EVERYTHING YOU READ
First of all, I was NOT wearing a sumo-suit!! I have merely put on a few pounds, okay? I suppose decades of Devil Dogs, Ben & Jerry's pints, and bags of Funyons have caught up with me. Is this a crime?
Secondly, SHE is NOT an ex!! We are still SO together.
Thirdly, ASSAULT? All I did was scratch her face, pull her hair and shove one of my Doc Martens up her ass!
Finally, SNICKERS? NO NO. Who would be jealous of a Snickers bar? It was a TWIX.