Monday, August 30, 2010

Things I Do NOT Believe In

1. Umbrellas

Umbrellas...I mean, why the hook? Seriously? And what percentage of the time does rain fall straight down, all vertical-like? There is ALWAYS an accompaniment of wind along with rain, making this item useless. Then there are those real "gusty" winds, you know, the ones that turn these things inside-out. Not quite so easy to outside-in these things either. OK, you're Dumb-Ass enough to own one of these ridiculous accessories. You go out somewhere. ANYwhere. Go inside. NOW what do you do with this soaking-wet piece of fabric-on-a-stick? Leave it there, I say.....LEAVE it there!

2. Staple-Removers

Completely Unnecessary. Just rip off the corner of the page. Simple, quick, done. I used to teach, dealt with that issue all the time, and never once used that evil Jaws-like contraption. Throw it out. You don't need it. (Also applies to letter-openers)

3. Baths

Sensitive issue here, I know. Many people would give up their life-sustaining morning cup of coffee rather than miss their "luxurious" soaks in the tub. Unless preceded by a shower, the reality of a bath is that you are lying in your own dirt/sweat/other bodily fluids we don't want to know about....Soothing? I don't believe in them, so I can't tell you, but probably yes. Sanitary? HellsNO! OPEN the drain. Keep it open. Always.

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Recently Heard in the City

Student: I feel like I'm drunk. Like when I was six.

--Middle School Dance, Spanish Harlem

Tween boy #1: He's such a douche!
Tween boy #2: Yeah, totally!... What is a "douche" anyway?
Tween boy #1: I think it's an old Dutch woman.

--6th Ave & 4th St

Boy #1 leaving pride parade: Where are we gonna go now? I want to get some pasta.
Boy #2, incredulous: You can't have carbs on Gay Pride Day!

--18th & 8th

Angry man on street: Fuck ass the ball! Fuck ass the ball!
Bystander: Did he just say, "fuck ass the ball?"


Girl #1: Michael Jackson is dead? Really?
Girl #2: Yeah, we read it on TMZ. They're usually pretty good about knowing when people are dead.

--The Mill

Woman, seeing Richard Simmons: Oh my god!
Richard Simmons, turning around: Oh my god!! I love you so much!
Woman, walking away: If I had a Twitter account I would so tweet that shit.

--City Hall

Tourist to boyfriend: Why are there so many humans here?

--Times Square

Southern tourist boy: Mommy! Look at the tops of the tall buildings... It looks like the clouds are standing still and the buildings are moving!
Mom: That's because the earth is turning so quickly, sweetie.

--Rockefeller Center

Exasperated mother: C'mon, we're going to be late.
Hyperactive boy: No! We have to wait for daddy!
Exasperated mother: What? Your father's in Philly.
Hyperactive boy: My other daddy!
Exasperated mother: Who, Bob?
Hyperactive Boy: No, Gary!

--1 Train

Swaying hobo with outstretched arms, as it starts to drizzle: I make it rain, I make it rain, I make it rain on you, hoes!

--14th St & University Place


Saturday, August 14, 2010

Questionable Toy of the Day

Little Island, a Japanese company, has made a doll you can order with your own face on it and which speaks to you in your own voice. I cannot think of ONE non-creepy use for this. If you order one, make sure your enemies don’t find it….can you imagine the torturous (think Quentin Tarantino) voodoo possibilities? Besides which, I find that spending 24 hours a day with myself is about 23 hours too long…why would I want to DOUBLE this number? OK, then there is this picture. What does it mean “Switch (left, right)?” What does it DO?? And are you KIDDING me with that hair, Prodigy Child? WTF, Japan, WTF??

Friday, August 13, 2010

Frightened Rabbit - Swim Until You Cant See Land

Sound of the Week

Frightened Rabbit started as an Indie-Rock solo act in 2003 in Scotland. Eventually, Scott Hutchinson added more members to his band, starting with his brother Grant in 2004. By 2006, the band was fully-formed, as it is today, with 5 members. Their first US show was at SXSW in 2007, increasing their popularity over here. Their third album, The Winter of Mixed Drinks, was released earlier this year. They are known for their wildly energetic live shows.

Fun Facts:

  • Their TV debut was on Late Night With Jimmy Fallon in May 2010.
  • Frightened Rabbit was chosen personally by Belle & Sebastian to perform at their 2nd annual Bowlie Weekender Festival.
  • Sonically, they are lush, uplifting pop.
  • Similar-sounding bands include The Vaselines, The National, and The Clean.
  • In November 2008 the band opened for Death Cab For Cutie.

Frightened Rabbit: Modern Leper Acoustic

Monday, August 9, 2010

Dire Straits - Money For Nothing music video (Good quality, all countries)

Classic Video of the Day

Questionable Food Item of the Day

The Fat Darrell
This little Sammich was born in New Jersey, and like those greasy dudes and chicks from Jersey Shore, it makes my skin crawl. Right off the bone. Into the backyard, to bury itself deep, deep in the Earth. . Where Darrell will never find it. OK, basic ingredients: chicken fingers, mozzarella cheese-sticks, marinara sauce (a wasted opportunity to add some sausage to the mix) french fries, lettuce, tomato, and a roll. New Jersey says 75 grams of fat, I say they are missing a "1" somewhere.

Sunday, August 8, 2010

City Sound-Bites`

Recently Heard in the City

Older woman on cell, screaming: There are no leaves on the floor. No! No fucking leaves on the floor. The fucking leaves are green and still in the trees. Did you hear me?

--7th Ave & W 18th

Four-year-old boy to father, at 17th century furniture room: This place gives me the creeps!

--Metropolitan Museum of Art

Boy to another: He said he had to go and get a colon autopsy!

--84th & 3rd

Girl #1: You're making me very mad.

Boy: Well, you're making me very sad.

Girl #2: Both of you shut the fuck up right now.

--Bard High School, Queens

Girl #1: Do you have any Vicodin?

Girl #2: Yes, but I am not sharing with you, because you would not give me any Valium when I asked.

Girl #1: Okay, here are the Vals, now give me the Vicodin.

Girl #2: Hey, don't take them with wine. Check the warning "alcohol may increase the effect."
Girl #1: Oh, I thought that was a serving suggestion.

--Iggy Pop Lecture, Times Center

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Pregnant Barbie

Questionable Toy of the Day

I'm not sure where to start with this one, but I could go with the removed belly haphazardly thrown on that white.....well, I have no idea what that might be. The baby is more than a little creepy standing up in the open uterus like a soldier. I have to wonder why Frizzy-Hair Barbie (the presumed mother of the twins on the floor) had to have a grand time with some finger paint when she knew her friend was pregnant and due to be in an incredible amount of Barbie-pain. What's with Barbie's pink hat? and slippers? Why are all the medical professionals male? Finally, and what's most crucial is: What are those yellow strips that are about to fall on Barbie Belly and the Floor Twins? Anyone?