Things I Do NOT Believe In

1. Umbrellas

Umbrellas...I mean, why the hook? Seriously? And what percentage of the time does rain fall straight down, all vertical-like? There is ALWAYS an accompaniment of wind along with rain, making this item useless. Then there are those real "gusty" winds, you know, the ones that turn these things inside-out. Not quite so easy to outside-in these things either. OK, you're Dumb-Ass enough to own one of these ridiculous accessories. You go out somewhere. ANYwhere. Go inside. NOW what do you do with this soaking-wet piece of fabric-on-a-stick? Leave it there, I say.....LEAVE it there!

2. Staple-Removers

Completely Unnecessary. Just rip off the corner of the page. Simple, quick, done. I used to teach, dealt with that issue all the time, and never once used that evil Jaws-like contraption. Throw it out. You don't need it. (Also applies to letter-openers)

3. Baths

Sensitive issue here, I know. Many people would give up their life-sustaining morning cup of coffee rather than miss their "luxurious" soaks in the tub. Unless preceded by a shower, the reality of a bath is that you are lying in your own dirt/sweat/other bodily fluids we don't want to know about....Soothing? I don't believe in them, so I can't tell you, but probably yes. Sanitary? HellsNO! OPEN the drain. Keep it open. Always.